To Post or Not to Post

Social media has been woven into the fabric of our society. For many, cellphones have become just another appendage. For others, cellphones are the bane of their existences. For me, social media is a tightrope that I walk across very wobbly. I love being able to see what new adventures my friends are embarking on or what milestones they hit each year. I love to watch funny videos with witty, slapstick, raunchy, and even dark humor. I swoon over the adorable puppies that often pop into my algorithm, knowing I cannot afford a dog. I sometimes peruse the social medias of others outside of my following and social circles that I find interesting, i.e. celebrities and influencers.

However, the one thing I do not like to do is post to my social media pages. If I post anything, it is on my instagram story; otherwise, no one ever sees it. I used to post heavily on my instagram and snapchat in my high school and early college years. I had a tendency to overshare and be obsessed with making sure everything I posted was "aesthetic". I became so obsessed with engagement on my instagram, that I would use apps to give my profiles fake likes, followers, and comments. Growing up where I did, someone like me had to see many girls post their long blonde hair, aesthetic lives, cute boyfriends, and perfect families. They would receive hundreds and sometimes thousands of likes and comments on just one post. Most of these girls were popular at my high school and everyone was obsessed with them. I would try to curate my feed to somehow fit their molds, but it never worked. It didn't matter if I had the latest Vera Bradley items or the cutest Uggs. What mattered is that I did not LOOK like them.

When I got to college, my obsession became even worse. During this time, I would start to see people who looked like me get insane engagement on their social medias. I was excited because I felt as though, if they could do it, so could I. I would spend hours editing and perfectly selecting photos to post on my instagram. On my snapchat, I would strategically post perfectly filtered snapshots of my outings. I would constantly refresh my instagram and continuously download apps to buy likes and followers. I believed that if I continued this method of activity on my social media, I would have the likes and followers like the others. Years went by, and not much changed. I became even more obsessed with getting people to engage with my posts, but nothing worked.

Eventually, I would lose followers, get less likes and comments, and feel the need to share more to stop the downturn. I started to become depressed and borderline manic if I did not get more than 70+ likes on a post. On my snapchat story, I would start to post blackout screens of long rants and dissertations about anything I could think of, much of which should have never been shared. After months of continuining this, my mental health took a turn for the worst. I was nothing but an NPC that was engulfed in the forever moving goal post of social media popularity. When I finally reached my plateau, I knew I would never have what the others had no matter how hard I tried. I decided enough was enough. I no longer cared about likes, followers, and comments. I no longer cared about FOMO and comparison. I only cared about feeling better.

Months began to pass by, and I slowly withdrew myself from social media. Alas, I deleted my instragram and no longer posted on my snapchat. I could no longer allow myself to be consumed by something that should have been leisurely and fun. I worried about missing out on so many life events and friends without social media; however, I needed time for myself. I decided to focus more on my surroundings and my loved ones. I started seeing my friends rather than just posting them. I took in experiences without feeling the need to share that they happened. I started to feel fulfilled and at ease.

Presently, I do have social media. I have nowhere near the amount of followers compared to past accounts, but I have such supportive friends who do follow me and support my endeavors. While I rarely post on my page, I do enjoy the occasional instagram story posts to let others know that I am not completely off the grid. I do take time away from social media by temporarily deactivating my accounts. I have also learned that I can restrict suggested posts on my explore page for 30 days. I do this quite often to reset my algorithm and my mind. This gives me a chance to take a step back and decompress from all of the external noise. I love that I can keep up with my friends while also setting boundaries for my mental and emotional wellbeing. Instead of the constant ping-pong between "to post or not to post", I just do what feels comfortable and healthy. While my method is occasionally trial and error due to my impulsiveness, I am pleased with where I am in my relationship with social media. At the end of the day, just because you didn't post it, does not mean it didn't happen. It is fine to take a break from social media. It is fine to live in the moment and not want to share those moments. Social media is not real, but life is.

From: Me

To: You